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My 10 year anniversary of sobriety

Writer's picture: Crystal Le Fay Psychic MediumCrystal Le Fay Psychic Medium

Updated: Dec 30, 2024

Sober


 

As the heavy, rusted iron bar doors slowly swung shut behind me with a whisper of a screech, I couldn’t help but picture the moment as if it were a pivotal scene in my own movie masterpiece. Each creak of the closing door echoed through the dimly lit entrance way, the sound bouncing off the all too familiar cold, unforgiving stone walls that surrounded me.


With each step I took, it felt as though I was making a deliberate, almost heroic stride toward freedom, my footsteps creating a musical echo that mingled with the eerie creaks of the door behind me. In that surreal moment, as I walked away, time seemed to standstill, pausing long enough to allow me to fully appreciate the exhilarating feeling of excitement of the new life that was awaiting me.


The soft glow of a lone flickering outside light bulb casted eerie shadows of anticipation that danced along the walls. As I stood there, catching my breath, I was the only survivor at the end of my movie. In my head, I could hear the soft-spoken voice of the narrator speak the only words that could possibly express how I was feeling that night, as I escaped my own drunken prison, “I’m free! I’m fucking free!”


In the blink of an eye, a decade has slipped by, and this morning, as I catch my breath yet again from the recurring dream I have been consumed by, the soft, golden rays of sunlight began to shine through my bedroom window, I yet again feel a bittersweet longing wash over me. The light spilled gently onto the polished hardwood floor, creating ghostly shapes that seemed to dance in time with my restless thoughts. Yet, despite the beauty of this serene morning, I found myself once again entangled in a web of the all-too-familiar urge to enjoy the numbing embrace of alcohol that I’ve outrun for the last ten years.


Each dawn breaks with the heavy weight of my internal war, as if I were standing at a threshold between two worlds. On one side lies the past promises of a drink—a shimmering paradise where I could drown my swirling emotions, escape the jagged edges of reality, and find temporary relief in the familiar fog. On the other side, however, stands the never-ending path of confrontation and surrender, where I must summon every ounce of my strength to face the chaos within me: the tangled web of anxiety, regret, hope and longing that burns beneath the surface.


As I lay there, wrapped in the warmth of my blankets, the conflict raged within me like a storm. I felt frustration, sadness, and an intense fear, all of them wanting to be felt at the same time.


“STOP!” I screamed out-loud, as tears streamed down my face, and as always the same lingering question echoed in my mind, a reminder of the delicate balance between hope and surrender that I faced each day, “to drink or not to drink?”


Today, like every other day of the last 10 years within my journey through sobriety, I pulled myself away from the safety of my comfortable bed to once again stand strong in my commitment to embrace my emotions. No matter how overwhelming or uncomfortable they may be. Today I will make a conscious choice to refrain from seeking company in a drink, even when the urge to escape temporarily consumes me.


This path is anything but easy; the road I navigate is filled with obstacles that can feel so overwhelming and almost unbearable at times. Still, I remind myself regularly of my determined commitment to my own well-being. Each day presents its own set of temptations that threaten to lure me back into the comfort of those old habits I’ve worked so hard to escape from, but I draw from a never ending well of inner strength that I’ve cultivated through hard work and self-reflection. Some days, the internal struggle intensifies, creating an abundant of cravings and paralyzing self-doubt within me.


However, amid that chaos, today like every other day, I will dig into my inner soul and find my shaky strength in the simple pleasure of a freshly brewed cup of coffee. As I settle into my favorite cozy chair in my kitchen, the aroma of the rich, dark brew envelopes me, providing the warmth and comfort I so need this morning.


I watched as the sun’s golden rays poured over the world outside, casting long shadows and illuminating the vibrant colors of nature that surrounds me. With each new breath, I wrap my hands around my steaming mug, feeling the heat seep into my skin, which serves as a grounding reminder of my presence in this beautiful moment. Nestled in this tranquility, I took a deep breath, absorbing the sights and sounds around me, and softly whispered to myself, “Perhaps it’s time for me to find a meeting.”


 If you are seeking recovery from addiction here is a great resource list:

Cole Chance Yoga Recovery Resource List: https://colechanceyoga.com/recovery/

 

 

 

 








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