I've been sober for 9 years. Probably even longer once you read these words, because I have never plan on drinking again. But then I have learned over the last few years, "never say never." Who's to say what lessons I still yet have to learn? All I know is at this moment in time as I sit at my typewriter typing this story, I plan on to remain sober, at least for today I will... One day at a time.
I love living a sober life! But.... There's not a day that goes by that I don't want to drink.
I loved drinking, I had my favorite drinks and favorite places to go on fun drunken adventures.
But.... Most of those adventures I can't barely remember. I drank because I didn't know how to exist in my real world. Drinking took me places that sober Crystal would never dare to venture.
Drinking filled a void in me that was so deep it nearly killed me.
So ago 9 years as I sat in our local bar having fun with my boyfriend who is now my husband. With buzzed eyes I looked around the bar and realized I no longer belonged in this make believe land anymore.
Numbing my pain and pretending to be happy just didn't fit well with my Soul that night. I told my then boyfriend, now my husband. "It's time to go home." It was still early, like 10pm, I used to close down the bars then go searching for an after party in my clear plastic light up high heels. Which I thought were the best party shoes ever!
I loudly put down my rum and coke on the bar table, like I was trying to prove something but only making a mess, then i clumsily took off my clear plastic light up high heels, I could care less if the bar floor was sticky and gross, I just couldn't have those shoes on any longer, it was like they were suffocating me. I then leaned heavily on my then boyfriend, now my husband as we walked out of the bar.
You know, I actually turned around and looked at the bar doors close. If it was a movie, as the doors closed behind me, you would hear the voice in my head scream, "IM FREE, IM FUCKING FREE!"
Now 9 years later, I woke up this morning, wanting to drink. And like every morning for the last 9 years, I have choice to make.... Drink to forget Or Feel the feelings Today, like every morning, I realize again and again, I don't care how much it hurts, I rather feel everything to my core than ever take a drink again....
For me, that's how I stay sober, everyday I wake up and I make a conscious choice. Some days are easier than others.
Then there's mornings like today, that I hold my coffee little bit tighter. Maybe it's time I find a meeting....
